Neither of us knew the other was doing the same thing.

We grew up at about the same time, in different places and in different circumstance until we met. I still recall my first view of Mary. She was standing by her locker, selecting her books for the hours of high school ahead and turned to see who was being introduced as the new kid in school. I was interested at the very first glance. I have told her in those moments of doubt that every couple has, that we have a connection that lasts. Nothing is going to change that.

Still, I didn’t know she was doing the same thing I was. . .

I think I understand why. It’s because we lived through a very emotional time in our lives; the Vietnam War. She was a young woman watching a generation she was part of go off to war. Some of them didn’t come back. I was a draftee that found a way to look after myself by enlisting so that I had a choice where I could go. I ended up in Okinawa, working in electronics; missile sites and the like. It wasn’t fun.

We got together when I was home on leave. We eventually married and have had three wonderful (though challenging) boys who are all on their own now. Through all those years we rarely talked about the Vietnam era. It was something we lived through. It wasn’t pleasant. It was over. . . Only, it wasn’t. . .

I need to tell you about our usual evening routine. I get home about six from my job after a one-hour commute. She is making dinner and has it ready for us to dine together sometime between six thirty and seven. We discuss some things together, news of the day, interesting experiences; those sorts of things. But at seven o’clock, we watch the News Hour with Jim Lehrer on PBS. I think it’s the best available balanced news program in the media.

We watch the news of the day; finish our dinner and Mary starts putting the dishes away. If this sounds stereotypical, it is! She does not work outside the home and often describes herself as a “housewife.” I prefer “homemaker” but if you’re married to someone for thirty-five years, you know she is going to do and say what she wants.

My point is this. At the end of the News Hour program, they sometimes make an announcement about the deaths in Iraq and Afghanistan. They explain that they announce the deaths as soon as the deaths are confirmed and pictures are available. Then they play the statistics in complete silence: A picture of the dead with accompanying information of rank, branch of service, age, and hometown.

That’s when it happens. I didn’t know she was doing it and she didn’t know I was doing it. We are both engrossed in reading the names and studying the pictures, we are oblivious of the other, and both of us in complete silence. I can’t tell you how long that went on until we realized it. We made some mutual recognition of each other’s face and demeanor. Then we went quite again and just studied the faces of the dead soldiers.